Amazing Rainbow

I've learned a secret about what's going on 99% of the time when someone is not giving you the respect, admiration, or love you want.

It's a secret that probably not in 1 in 1,000 people will ever figure out on their own. Think about the last time you felt unappreciated at home or work.

Didn't at least part of your distress stem from the fact that you had no idea why this person wasn't responding to you? I think the REASON why we don't figure out the secret to making ourselves irresistible is that it's the opposite of what we've been taught about relationships.

Let me explain ...

Most of us are taught that when a relationship is struggling, we should be extra nice, thoughtful, and giving. These are wonderful qualities, and we should all strive to have them.


In my view, these qualities enhance all relationships. However, they are NOT the key to getting respect, appreciation, or love from people who are withholding it from you.

Take out a piece of paper and draw a circle in it. Then, put the initials of the person you're seeking appreciation from in the middle of the circle. Now, put your own initials outside the circle.

Here's how the circle works.

Whenever you are inside another person's circle, this person has trouble connecting with his respect, admiration, or love for you.

In the extreme, he may even develop contempt for you. Whenever you are outside his circle, he appreciates you. He is attentive and considerate. He goes out of his way to connect with you.

The key to making yourself irresistible to someone is to stay outside his or her circle. The circle applies to all relationships: your friends, your lover/spouse, your co-workers, and your children.

How We Get Inside The Circle ?

1. We get inside another person's circle by leaning on him psychologically
2. You lean on someone psychologically when you use your connection with him to gain energy, happiness, or self-acceptance.

On some level, you want this person to lift you up a little. Because of this, you violate a basic rule of attraction between people: Any person pursued runs away.

Sometimes, we lean on people in obvious ways:

• We wait around for them instead of making our own plans;
• We call them and tell them we're lonely or miserable;
• We call too often;
• We check up on them and judge their choices;
• We complain about their lack of consideration; and,
• We lay guilt trips: "You should have called."

However, often our leaning is much more subtle. Here are some examples:

1. We talk too much. Most people talk too much and cannot control how much they talk. This says, "Please give me your attention".
2. We talk too much about ourselves, especially in an effort to impress people.4 "You work for Shell? I know their Vice-President of Human Resources". This says, "Please give me your approval".
3. We act victimized and cold when we think some is not giving us the time or attention we think we deserve. "I just want you to put in a little effort". This says, "Please show me I'm worthwhile". It also says, "I want you to conduct this relationship my way".
4. We are overly giving, and set aside our personal needs. "I'd really rather go somewhere else, but it's no big deal". This says, "I want your approval so much I'll put you ahead of me. Now, in return, please give me the appreciation I want".
5. We criticize people in an effort to control them. "Why don't you get a job at the golf course this summer? It's better than being on MSN all day" Or, "You've got to put in A LOT more hard work if you want to beat the Conference Champions". This says, "Please turn into someone different so I can feel good about myself."
6. We dote on people with over-the-top affection. "You're the most magnificent woman I've ever seen, and I can't believe how lucky I am". This says, "I'm not sure I'm worthy of you.";

Here's why psychological leaning repels people:

When you lean psychologically or emotionally on people or toward them, it makes others feel uncomfortable. They resent the weight you are laying on them, and they will react by denying you. They don't like your self-indulgence, and your insecurity reminds them of their own vulnerability; it rattles them. Animosity builds.

Consciously and subliminally, they sense the weakness your leaning creates. It robs them of energy and crowds them; they have to buy into your needs and emotions when they would prefer to concentrate on their own.

They don't like the imposition, and often they react negatively, even if they don't say so. Alternatively, they accept the imposition of your weight, but then they feel they can take advantage of you emotionally, sexually, or financially.

They will feel empowered to use you or deprecate you or discredit you in some way. If you're like most people, you will violently resist the idea that you are in any way responsible for the rejection you're getting.

Most of us desperately want to believe that the other person is 'the problem', and that if he or she would just respond to us, everything would be fine.

I don't wish to imply that you should feel ashamed if you are doing these things; we all do them from time to time.

These are natural responses to feeling rejected. Even psychological leaning itself seems to be an instinctive part of relationships. I am merely pointing out that if you want to be more successful with another person, you might want to consider moving outside the circle.

The other person will immediately appreciate you more, and you will feel proud of yourself for being more effective in the relationship. That's the beauty of the circle. You can always jump outside it and become irresistible again.